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Topic Started: Sep 4 2017, 11:54 AM (510 Views)
Guy99
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Hello, I was a long time member of the LaRouche cult. I was in the organization for about 9 years. They recruited me when I was 19 years old out of my college campus. I left in 2015, after I tired of hearing that WWIII is imminent every holiday, when I just wanted to see my family for the first time in several years. Plus a lot of the internal bull shit was finally getting to me, and the fact that when I finally met larouche in person, he wasn't what I thought he would be. He was crazy, stupid, and infantile for someone who was a great genius. The reactions I got when I told leaders of the locals that I was thinking about leaving was surprising. I got rage for them, not understanding or reconciling. I got reprimanded and scolded for even thinking about such a thing. This just further confirmed that the whole thing was a huge stinking pile of bull shit, just like Dr. Ian from Jurassic Park would say, "This is one big pile of shit."
They let me leave peacefully, although I did lie to them. I said I was just going to experiment leaving and that I would help the local near my hometown, just so they would get off my back.

I actually started reading this forum and the larouche planet website during the period I started to doubt the cult. At first it felt taboo, the forbidden fruit, but later I started to see that some of things that were said are actually true. It helped me leave.

The process of recovery has been extremely painful emotionally and intellectually. It is such a huge shock to me. I felt like my life had no purpose or meaning. I thought about suicide, although I would never do it because I value my life too much, but I started thinking about it as if it was a reasonable solution to my pain. My family has no clue, and they are of no help. The only support is financially, which is good.

It has been 2 years since I left, and I have gotten a lot better. So much so that I started thinking that I am back to normal that is until I started having problems in my relationships. I realized I got back to normal as in a lifestyle: work, school, hobbies, talking to old friends. But, I am not back to normal socially. I have emotional problems with my interpersonal relationships. I have a tough time relating to people because of the conditioning, and I just feel like I have to undo the damage that has been done to me. I was an "organizer" and by that I mean a robot. I can't be an "organizer" anymore. There are some useful things that I learned and experienced that I don't want to throw away such as inspiring people, giving intellectual strength, but its incomplete and lacks a lot to relating to people in society, outside of the cult. But, it is extremely painful for me right now because I am hurting the people I care about because I am still emotionally fucked up. I am not back to normal. I am thinking about seeking help from a therapist to rewire my emotions, and to learn to make friends and be a better person overall. I've changed everything outside of me, but not everything inside of me. Inside, I am still the same.

I was wondering if the people on this forum know of books, websites, or other resources for the recovery process. I bought the terror, love, and brainwashing, and I have been googling cult websites. The book emotional intelligence is good, but only as a supplement.

Feel free to ask me anything about my experiences.

Thanks.

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man114
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Some of the ex members around here might be able to help with finding people to help you adjust.

I was never a member but in college in the early 2000s they used to distribute New Federalists and EIRs around our campus. We never encounter the LaRouche supporter responsible for the literature but it may have been Alicia Cerretani.

Congrats on leaving though, I think one thing that might be helpful tips there is nothing wrong with some of the ideas the cult pushes such as classical music, certain political ideas, but they don't work with the cult.
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Guy99,Sep 4 2017
11:54 AM
Hello, I was a long time member of the LaRouche cult. I was in the organization for about 9 years. They recruited me when I was 19 years old out of my college campus. I left in 2015, after I tired of hearing that WWIII is imminent every holiday, when I just wanted to see my family for the first time in several years. Plus a lot of the internal bull shit was finally getting to me, and the fact that when I finally met larouche in person, he wasn't what I thought he would be. He was crazy, stupid, and infantile for someone who was a great genius. The reactions I got when I told leaders of the locals that I was thinking about leaving was surprising. I got rage for them, not understanding or reconciling. I got reprimanded and scolded for even thinking about such a thing. This just further confirmed that the whole thing was a huge stinking pile of bull shit, just like Dr. Ian from Jurassic Park would say, "This is one big pile of shit."
They let me leave peacefully, although I did lie to them. I said I was just going to experiment leaving and that I would help the local near my hometown, just so they would get off my back.

I actually started reading this forum and the larouche planet website during the period I started to doubt the cult. At first it felt taboo, the forbidden fruit, but later I started to see that some of things that were said are actually true. It helped me leave.

The process of recovery has been extremely painful emotionally and intellectually. It is such a huge shock to me. I felt like my life had no purpose or meaning. I thought about suicide, although I would never do it because I value my life too much, but I started thinking about it as if it was a reasonable solution to my pain. My family has no clue, and they are of no help. The only support is financially, which is good.

It has been 2 years since I left, and I have gotten a lot better. So much so that I started thinking that I am back to normal that is until I started having problems in my relationships. I realized I got back to normal as in a lifestyle: work, school, hobbies, talking to old friends. But, I am not back to normal socially. I have emotional problems with my interpersonal relationships. I have a tough time relating to people because of the conditioning, and I just feel like I have to undo the damage that has been done to me. I was an "organizer" and by that I mean a robot. I can't be an "organizer" anymore. There are some useful things that I learned and experienced that I don't want to throw away such as inspiring people, giving intellectual strength, but its incomplete and lacks a lot to relating to people in society, outside of the cult. But, it is extremely painful for me right now because I am hurting the people I care about because I am still emotionally fucked up. I am not back to normal. I am thinking about seeking help from a therapist to rewire my emotions, and to learn to make friends and be a better person overall. I've changed everything outside of me, but not everything inside of me. Inside, I am still the same.

I was wondering if the people on this forum know of books, websites, or other resources for the recovery process. I bought the terror, love, and brainwashing, and I have been googling cult websites. The book emotional intelligence is good, but only as a supplement.

Feel free to ask me anything about my experiences.

Thanks.

https://freedomofmind.com/

https://www.amazon.com/Bounded-Choice-Belie...s/dp/0520240189
https://www.amazon.com/Cults-Our-Midst-Cont...t/dp/0787967416
https://www.amazon.com/Thought-Reform-Psych...bert+jay+lifton
https://www.amazon.com/Take-Back-Your-Life-...s/dp/0972002154



A few options that leap to mind. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
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https://www.amazon.com/Traumatic-Narcissism...atic+narcissism

Written by Daniel Shaw, a former cult member who went on to study psychology. He runs meetings for ICSA in Manhattan.

http://www.icsahome.com/

ICSA is also a pretty good resource for info generally, and may even run meetings in your area or at least you may find people to correspond with if you wanted. I'm only familiar with NYC's branch, it's a pretty loosely-based org. One reason is that it's hard to get ex-members to want to "join" something, which is understandable!

Just since you mentioned therapy, I will always advocate for it among exmembers and families dealing with cults. FWIW from a stranger, I think you'd be doing yourself a service. Best of luck!
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Guy99
 
Hello, I was a long time member of the LaRouche cult. I was in the organization for about 9 years. They recruited me when I was 19 years old out of my college campus. I left in 2015


Welcome, Guy99. Congratulations on exiting the org, but definitely, exiting the cult is a much longer road beyond walking out a door. I hope you'll consider registering here to share your experiences as you see fit. It may help put some space between you and the org.

Guy99
 
It has been 2 years since I left, and I have gotten a lot better. So much so that I started thinking that I am back to normal that is until I started having problems in my relationships. I realized I got back to normal as in a lifestyle: work, school, hobbies, talking to old friends. But, I am not back to normal socially. I have emotional problems with my interpersonal relationships. ... I am thinking about seeking help from a therapist to rewire my emotions, and to learn to make friends and be a better person overall.


I think you've self-analyzed precisely what you need to work on. All you need are the tools and guidance to get it behind you. A therapist is definitely the best way. There's no profit to go it alone, not least when you wish to improve your emotional connections to people socially. I cannot imagine any book or website can do that as well as another person who has experience and training in the field.
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Guy99,Sep 4 2017
11:54 AM
Feel free to ask me anything about my experiences.

Is there any more detail you can go into about what you saw in your time in the cult? How you were treated, or saw others treated? Did you live with other members? If you felt you were being controlled socially, how was that done?

When you say you were an organizer, what does this mean you are doing day by day? What is a typical day like for someone in your position? How is money handled? I feel like we have a pretty good picture, but we rarely get the opportunity to ask someone who has left so recently.
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Guy99
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Thank you, yes I agree just walking out the door isn't enough. I realize that now. Most people don't understand or refuse to understand how difficult it is to be in a cult and to leave one. They think it isn't a huge deal....

I started reading Steve Hassan's book Combating cult mind control. It is very good.

As for the questions:

I would have to reflect and come back to those first set of questions...

What I mean by organizer was basically being a fund raising machine. Getting up at 7am, rushing into the office not caring much for appearance cause of the mission, listening to the daily briefing about how everything is fucked and we are all gonna die cause WWIII, and only larouche can save humanity. Then, I would feel guilty, or be made to feel guilty for not raising enough money, and I would beat myself up psychologically for not being good enough for larouche. That way, I would be ready to recruit the masses, which meant loading up a piece of shit car with tons of freshly printed leaflets about the latest event that proves larouche is right. Sitting outside for hours being ignored by the rest of the world like a bunch of hobos, and hopefully running into another conspirophile zombie that would give us $20. But during the hayday of the right's hate for obama it was republicans who gave us a lot of money because they thought we were another conservative group.

The organizing consisted of parroting what was said during the briefing, and arguing, and convincing the other person to hopefully change their mind to give us money and come to meetings. I regret it so much. I felt the worst when I got a woman to give me $500 dollars. I knew she didn't understand what the hell she was giving to, it made me realize I am just taking peoples money. I cant provide a coherent explanation of how the money is making a difference. I always thought it was because of my inferior understanding, but I realized its an unsolvable paradox. Cause its bull shit. I felt like the only reason why she gave me money was because she trusted me, and I used it to get money, and it is never enough. There is never enough money to be raised. They want more, until they are dead with nothing. No one ever said it, but i know that is what they thought. That was the mentality. Just suck them dry until they are just bones. What a miserable existence.....All the money was accounted for by the locals money person, who would fedex all the money to someone in leesburg, which Boyd presided over.

It was extremely stressful and unrewarding. Maybe even almost being beaten up in the street by some maniac. Then come back to the office for the 6pm briefing, and be scolded for not raising enough money, and being to made guilty for failing humanity for not raising enough money. Honestly, the loving delicious meals were the only thing that kept me from going completely insane. Not being able to relate to the other members because it is weak and counter productive to the cause. I felt like the other members were empty shells, never feeling like I can get close to someone. And if I did get close, it was forbidden and torn apart as not being productive to the cause.

day in, day out, 24/7/365 for 5 years which is about when the fundraising drive started for me. I was like a robot. Doing the same thing over and over. Being told the world is changing, but it isn't. I didn't go out. I felt like a prisoner. And when some of the more rebellious members would want to go out and act like a normal 20 year old, I was afraid, like an invisible fence that I was going into an evil british empire counter culture blah blah.

The only enjoyment was hopefully having a few hours at night to get some reading done, which also had its function to the org as a project to present to a meeting. Being single was the worst part. I felt worse than a catholic priest. I can't believe I lasted that long repressing so much depression and rage..I was sooo brainwashed.

I left when the org was collapsing because of the lack of funds. The lower tier members were being laid off, some of them leaving, and some them getting jobs, and giving their entire paycheck to the organization. That is what broke me. They wanted me to work 60+ hours a week, and just turn in my entire check? Are you fucking kidding me? I was stupid, but not that stupid. Some members did it. It was definitely falling apart, and still is from what I hear. Its definitely shrinking.
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Guy99,Sep 7 2017
08:39 PM

I left when the org was collapsing because of the5 lack of funds. The lower tier members were being laid off, some of them leaving, and some them getting jobs, and giving their entire paycheck to the organization. That is what broke me. They wanted me to work 60+ hours a week, and just turn in my entire check? Are you fucking kidding me? I was stupid, but not that stupid. Some members did it. It was definitely falling apart, and still is from what I hear. Its definitely shrinking.

If you did get a job and give your paycheck to the org as you say some did, who would you give the money to? To LPAC? Schiller Institute?

Asking all this out of concern for someone still there. Thanks for all the detail.
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Guy99
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What local is that person in? SF, Boston, Seattle? The money would be distributed where ever it was needed. If it is cash, it can go anywhere. LPAC has limits on anonymous cash donations. So it would have to come from a specific person with an address, etc.. Schiller not really, and then there are the other accounts like ASP, and Hamilton systems etc. So, it would go where ever leesburg thought they needed money. They will find a way to get the money where they needed it the most. LPAC being the big money hog cause it pays for offices, stipends, logistical stuff, etc...

When did your person join? What helped me leave was meeting larouche and seeing that he isnt a real genius. He is just some crazy old man. And just pointing out the facts. They say WWIII is at the brink everyday, but nothing happens. The financial system is gonna collapse, but it hasn't and larouche has been saying it since the 60s.

Another thing that got me was the communist roots of LaRouche. Mike Billington was a Maoist and so was Helga. Everything has remained the same since the 1960s, they just change the names of things. So instead of capitalism being the enemy of humanity, its the british empire. Instead of saying the marxist-socialist-communist sytem of economics. Its the American system. Reading how people saw Che Guerva, they worshipped him like people worship LaRouche. I was definitely not a communist, and I never joined to be one. So seeing that the org hasn't changed was another crack in the chain for me.

But im no expert. I can just tell you what happened to me. If you want to know more just ask me.
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Guy99,Sep 8 2017
12:59 AM
What local is that person in? SF, Boston, Seattle?

I would love to see if you knew them, but shouldn't say more here. If you ever register with the site, please send a message to user "El Ron."
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fightapathy
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Hey man114, can you confirm via IP address to ensure that the Guy99 who registers is the same user as on this forum? I'd hate to have an LPAC operative make a false registration in order to learn the identity of Guest's friend and use this forum against him or her (as we know they would if they could).
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Guy99 did you ever meet up with any of the local office heads (Policy Committee) and do they filter the information direct from LaRouche and Helga to those lower on the totem pole?
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fightapathy,Sep 8 2017
11:25 AM
Hey man114, can you confirm via IP address to ensure that the Guy99 who registers is the same user as on this forum? I'd hate to have an LPAC operative make a false registration in order to learn the identity of REDACTED friend and use this forum against him or her (as we know they would if they could).

Appreciate the thought, but I would've made the name bold-print myself if I wanted to attract undue attention.

I put it there in good faith that someone could contact me if they wished and I assume someone leaving this group would understand why one would need to be very careful in confirming an identity before sharing personal info. Guy99's writing about family having "no clue" resonated with me very much. I know that phenomenon very personally, for what it's worth.
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fightapathy
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In discussions with Mr. and Mrs. LaRouche earlier today, _______*


*fill in the _____ with appropriate disaster.
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fightapathy,Sep 8 2017
06:46 PM
In discussions with Mr. and Mrs. LaRouche earlier today, _______*


*fill in the _____ with appropriate disaster.

That is pretty much how the LaRouche memo generator on laroucheplanet.info works :lol:
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